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My boozing buddy and I often sit at the bar in our local and constantly complain as some middle aged men often do, about this, that and the other. You could say we are like the characters from The Muppets (remember them?).... Statler and Waldorf. About five or six years ago our local pub rules changed and to mine and Brendan's dismay dogs were allowed in. The first verse in this poem actually happened and so I was inspired to write a poem about it. The other verses, with dogs on bar stools, dogs vomiting on the floor, dogs lying behind folk (namely me) standing at the bar and dogs having a good sniff as dogs do, I have witnessed over the years from pub to pub. Hope you enjoy and can gave a laugh. By the way, I am a dog lover! Really I am!
The Dog Inn
I'm having a drink with my mate sitting opposite me,
A big hairy tail in his close proximity "Brenda come by"
The dog's tail now in Brendan's beer, It's owner saying, "Brenda won't bite guys, please do not fear",
Growling, Brendan turns his chair around with his back to Brenda,
Brenda's licking her balls
I say mate, "now even dogs are transgender"
Brendan replies, "splendid Brenda Whatever next,
Didn't they check?"
I saw someone drunk once spew up on the floor,
Someone's dog licked it up clearly drooling for more,
Bar staff turned up late with a bucket and mop,
No need, the drunk's been expelled,
The dog's licked the lot,
But still there were those,
Some a cooing and stroking,
Whilst I'm sipping my ale,
Looking pale near choking.
Canines are now not called Slipper, Spot, Brandy or Rover,
They're called Brian Ruby or Janet,
Our pubs, they've taken over.
Welcome to the Dog Inn,
Where many tails are wagged and spun,
We can lead you into temptation
And a weird voyeurism,
A lot of snide remarks
And sniffing or licking,
One an' others bums.
You've got a lovely pooch,
But can it please leave me alone?
I don't like it sniffing 'round my erogenous zone
Yes yes, I know you're saying,
It's saying it likes me very much,
But now you're cute canine's sniffing that poor woman's crotch,
Don't want your dog sniffing me
Oh I know it sniffs you
Known as Mum,
But dog's maybe you didn't know,
Like sniffing other dogs bums.
"Don't step back from the bar please Because my darling dog is lying behind you",
Well what's it doing there?
Are you f****** blind ya?....
(Silly cow, what they're letting them in now?
No wonder I'm Fresian in here),
Well I know health an' safety's gone OTT simply sad,
But four-legged trip hazards?
It's all barking mad!
Welcome to the Dog Inn,
Some dogs like laying on their backs,
Some stay on all fours
Sniffing out the ladies….
Cracks in the wooden floor
Cracks in the working man's hand,
Well doggies like to self indulge,
But if you're human you'll get banned.
Him with his little dog,
Dog's on a stool at the bar,
A fit female approaches,
She Strokes it saying,
"What's it's name?
"Ahh bless, ah bless, ahh".
Fido licks her, she likes it,
Fido licks her face again,
"He's a bit of a boy with the dames",
His proud owner explains.
I'm thinking,
I'd like to lick her,
Bet she'd give me a slap,
And I previously wouldn't have been licking,
Another dog's crap!
If I were a dog?
Baby you could stroke my hair,
Train me, chain me,
I'd be your faithful pup,
Your obedient servant,
Come home when you call the pub,
Bid boozing buddies farewell,
My last pint I'd drink up,
"Wait" says my mate,
"Just cos dogs in pubs,
Are quite common these days
This ain't no way for you to behave!"
Buy her a four legged schnauzer,
The real Mc Coy,
Return to being you, us,
One of the boys
Get her an unwanted rescue dog,
Medium-sized, not too wild,
Although I've heard it said,
It's easier to adopt a very small child.
Go to Battersea dogs home,
Or the Kennel Club,
You'll feel quite welcome,
Be like our own bloody pub!
From a cute Cocker Spaniel,
Some say Springer is better,
Labradors, Jack Russells,
Or great big Red Setters,
Huskies, Great Danes,
Alsatians or Beagle
In our pub like the smokers,
Can't surely be legal?
In some pub Windows these days, They've stuck Dog Welcome stickers, Poodles, Dachshunds,
Shih Tzu type fanny lickers,
Don't want to stroke her pooch,
To try to get into her knickers,
Beside, she's got four-legged Fred
Size of a Mars Bar comes Snickers!
Welcome to the Dog Inn,
It's a home from home,
Talking politics or perving,
Give that dog a bone,
The lewdness the crudeness,
The moans and groans,
When I get home from the Dog Inn,
Baby, I'm in the zone!
Well you say you're Wolfhounds Irish
Well tonight we'll bend the rules,
Because my mate brend',
He's Irish, and anything Irish is cool What's that you're saying?
I can give it treats from within your jacket?
Oh, these them?
In a black, soft, warm squidgy packet?
Oh God!
DOG BLESS 'EM ALL.
A big hairy tail in his close proximity "Brenda come by"
The dog's tail now in Brendan's beer, It's owner saying, "Brenda won't bite guys, please do not fear",
Growling, Brendan turns his chair around with his back to Brenda,
Brenda's licking her balls
I say mate, "now even dogs are transgender"
Brendan replies, "splendid Brenda Whatever next,
Didn't they check?"
I saw someone drunk once spew up on the floor,
Someone's dog licked it up clearly drooling for more,
Bar staff turned up late with a bucket and mop,
No need, the drunk's been expelled,
The dog's licked the lot,
But still there were those,
Some a cooing and stroking,
Whilst I'm sipping my ale,
Looking pale near choking.
Canines are now not called Slipper, Spot, Brandy or Rover,
They're called Brian Ruby or Janet,
Our pubs, they've taken over.
Welcome to the Dog Inn,
Where many tails are wagged and spun,
We can lead you into temptation
And a weird voyeurism,
A lot of snide remarks
And sniffing or licking,
One an' others bums.
You've got a lovely pooch,
But can it please leave me alone?
I don't like it sniffing 'round my erogenous zone
Yes yes, I know you're saying,
It's saying it likes me very much,
But now you're cute canine's sniffing that poor woman's crotch,
Don't want your dog sniffing me
Oh I know it sniffs you
Known as Mum,
But dog's maybe you didn't know,
Like sniffing other dogs bums.
"Don't step back from the bar please Because my darling dog is lying behind you",
Well what's it doing there?
Are you f****** blind ya?....
(Silly cow, what they're letting them in now?
No wonder I'm Fresian in here),
Well I know health an' safety's gone OTT simply sad,
But four-legged trip hazards?
It's all barking mad!
Welcome to the Dog Inn,
Some dogs like laying on their backs,
Some stay on all fours
Sniffing out the ladies….
Cracks in the wooden floor
Cracks in the working man's hand,
Well doggies like to self indulge,
But if you're human you'll get banned.
Him with his little dog,
Dog's on a stool at the bar,
A fit female approaches,
She Strokes it saying,
"What's it's name?
"Ahh bless, ah bless, ahh".
Fido licks her, she likes it,
Fido licks her face again,
"He's a bit of a boy with the dames",
His proud owner explains.
I'm thinking,
I'd like to lick her,
Bet she'd give me a slap,
And I previously wouldn't have been licking,
Another dog's crap!
If I were a dog?
Baby you could stroke my hair,
Train me, chain me,
I'd be your faithful pup,
Your obedient servant,
Come home when you call the pub,
Bid boozing buddies farewell,
My last pint I'd drink up,
"Wait" says my mate,
"Just cos dogs in pubs,
Are quite common these days
This ain't no way for you to behave!"
Buy her a four legged schnauzer,
The real Mc Coy,
Return to being you, us,
One of the boys
Get her an unwanted rescue dog,
Medium-sized, not too wild,
Although I've heard it said,
It's easier to adopt a very small child.
Go to Battersea dogs home,
Or the Kennel Club,
You'll feel quite welcome,
Be like our own bloody pub!
From a cute Cocker Spaniel,
Some say Springer is better,
Labradors, Jack Russells,
Or great big Red Setters,
Huskies, Great Danes,
Alsatians or Beagle
In our pub like the smokers,
Can't surely be legal?
In some pub Windows these days, They've stuck Dog Welcome stickers, Poodles, Dachshunds,
Shih Tzu type fanny lickers,
Don't want to stroke her pooch,
To try to get into her knickers,
Beside, she's got four-legged Fred
Size of a Mars Bar comes Snickers!
Welcome to the Dog Inn,
It's a home from home,
Talking politics or perving,
Give that dog a bone,
The lewdness the crudeness,
The moans and groans,
When I get home from the Dog Inn,
Baby, I'm in the zone!
Well you say you're Wolfhounds Irish
Well tonight we'll bend the rules,
Because my mate brend',
He's Irish, and anything Irish is cool What's that you're saying?
I can give it treats from within your jacket?
Oh, these them?
In a black, soft, warm squidgy packet?
Oh God!
DOG BLESS 'EM ALL.
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