Oh I wish I'd been a plumber
Or a heating engineer
I could think myself important
I'd wear all the proper gear

I could wear those trousers full of pockets
Built in knee pads, logo'd shirts
I could have bendy phone mikes near my gob shite
Not knowing I look queer

Oh I wish I'd been a plumber
Gas Safe splattered on my van
To prove I'm highly qualified
A tertiary tradesman

I'd be Oftec, Unvented Water Reg'd
A bona fide nerd
I'd look down on those who clean out bowls
Of blocked up toilet turds

Oh I wish I'd been a plumber
An engineer most elevated
I'd be that much full of shit
I'd be chronically constipated

I'd say the others are all cowboys
They're not allowed to play with gas
But I'd forget my self importance
As I'm bending showing half my ass

Oh I wish I'd been a plumber
I could talk shit all day long
And if I drowned in someone's faeces
Inturd,
I'd make a pong!