Oh I wish I'd been a bus driver,
Then I wouldn't put myself through this,
When family call upon my skills,
Plumb their houses cheap,
Such bliss!

I do not like to charge too much,
I'd rather charge fuck all,
But if I charge not much,
It's still too much,
It really is their call.

Oh I wish I'd been a bus driver,
Perhaps wishing I'd been a plumber,
Then I could say to so called loved ones,
"I just drive buses, can't help,
Oh what a bummer!"

They tell you not to be so soft,
Work hard then send your bill,
But when they ask you to do work for them,
They want it cheap,
They are so thrilled.

Can you fit a boiler cheap for cash?
And perhaps a power shower,
I'd say "no but I can drive you in my bus,
I could be there within the hour".

Oh I wish I'd been a bus driver,
Drive the National Express,
They wouldn't ask me to change their pop up wastes,
I'd say "all change,
We're in Skegness".

They'd say Marcus,
Can you help me?
I'd reply "yes,
I'll drive you in my bus",
There'd be nothing tech
And no big bills,
A free ride without end fuss.

Oh I wish I'd been a bus driver,
And forget about the trades,
Cause they'd have to find another bugger,
And then they'd have to pay!

They'd moan and groan about the price,
That the robbing tradesmen cost,
I'd say, "I know, but I just drive a bus,
All my talents are all wasted, lost".

Oh I wish I'd been a bus driver,
Then they would not ask of me,
To plumb and heat and stop their leaks,
And all for fucking free!

Oh I wish I could have driven a bloody bus,
So they wouldn't say "well done you",
We're really pleased with our new bathroom,
Send your cheap bill please,
Send it soon!

Oh I wish I'd been a bus driver
I'd take my family on excursions,
If they complained about the time it took,
I'd blame roadwork coned diversions.

They'd complain the tickets are twice the price
We're in Cardiff not bloody Mecca,
I'd remind them of their family discount
And that we're on a double decker!