You'll love it there, it's awesome, great,
Ok, start up, release the brake,
In our Mazda Bongo, we're on our way,
There's one oncoming, oh fuck, they waved,
I'm feeling I'm not the camper Type,
With a big T, 4, I'm thinking, shite,
Did I really say yes to this?
What to eat and where too piss?
Ah, I remember, yes I did, I did!

Through the hills of Wales, such scenic routes,
Pumping diesel fumes, loop the loop,
Have we enough warm clothes, waterproof boots?
Bottled beer, cheap wine,
I'm cockerhoop....(can't you tell?)
Oh what the hell and just for spite,
I'll fit in, long haired, dishevled travelling type,
I'm a people kinda person, my wife and I, stuck like glue,
Descend the last hill,
Look, there's Dolygoloo!

Camper convoys, climate change chavs,
Fuelling my sick sense of humour,
Greta, I'm having a laugh,
Look, there's The Cross Foxe'....
Dear, you're driving too quick,
Fine food, beer, en-suites,
Now I'm feeling quite sick,
Was it the speed she drove past?
Or was Foxes missing an S?
Well I'm off to 'hell Island,
Nevertheless!

It's Halloween time, so the name's quite apt,
Hundreds of humans tattooed, pierced skin, bunting, it's pact,
Rain soaked smoke, coughing, choking,
Geezers smoking, under plastic tents,
"Miley", screams her Mum Roxanne,
"Fetch my fags from Auntie Shiela's van",
They're all dement....
Ted, Charlie,Grandad Fred,
It's Halloween, but he looks half dead!
But I'm here now, I acquiesced,
Drop my snobbyness, drop the S,
I'm the 'nob,, the silly sod who said yes,
I'd love to go to 'hell Island!

Static vans on wheels jacked up on stilts,
Some linked together with plastic, 'yeah' plastic quilts, Greta,
Betta come an' 'ave a word,
Young Thunburg,
They've got save the planet stickers on their world wrecking machines,
Pumping CO,2, especially for you,
Hypocritically obscene, not clean, hmmm,
Life is real, Life is cruel,
Get back to.....

S'cool here,cool as in cold,
I'm the fool here, I ain't this bold,
Erecting gazebos, technical opinions vented,
Baseball capped, woolly hats, some follically lamented,
They put a portaloo in a Punch 'an Judy khazi,
If this were seventies East Berlin,
I think I'd be The Stasi,
A tunnel perhaps, under their polyethylene potty,
Escape at all costs I think to myself,
I'm feeling quite grotty!

Rock 'n' roll beds, batteries of leisure,
Is this a swingers boudoir full of perverted pleasure?
Satellite dishes, electric awnings,
Whirlwinds whipping guy ropes,
Differently tuned in the morning,
Stategically sited steps, sticky-backed plastic paraphernalia,
Reclining swing round nearside seats,
Cacophonous chime bars, campers regalia,
Volkswagons, Transits and giant mobile hotels,
To some this is paradise,
To me, this is Hell....!

All down to the marquee,
We've drank our cheap booze,
We're amongst Draculas, witches, boned outfit blood stitched up ghouls,
I'm in stitches, stitched up me, having 'ell of a time,
I'm dreaming ballrooms, 'may I'?' 'the pleasure's all mine....(back to the world of dreams),
Shouting to converse, the music's too loud,
Naff DJ's cajoling,
The pissed up pissed crowd,
Stick to the floor of lager and crisps,
Where? Who? Whatever,
I'm not enjoying this!

In a two headed blood bathed,
Curdled cadiver mask,
He sees beer bumped over me,
Weirdos 'aving a laugh,
Young primary aged children dancing on tables,
I've had enough!
Wanna-be six to eight year old girls,
Strutting their ....
Stuff this, I bet it's like this most weekend breaks,
Welcome to 'hell Island,
For Devil's Sake!

Back to base for now,
Leave DJ's, dancers, drunken necromancers, happy campers, silly cows,
Hooray! The fireworks display,
Ten thousand pounds, and some, they say,
I feel like a stick in the mud,
A reluctant firework,
But the animals love them,
Don't they?
Ten, twenty thousand pounds more,
Then I could afford,
One of those luxurious travelling hotel vans of joy,
I'm vexed, I'm perplexed, and maybe slightly annoyed,
Surely a luxury hotel four times a year,
The poor campers are weird,
The rich ones are queer!

This is hell, this is hell,
I'm sorry to tell you,
It never gets better but worse,
I'm choking on smoke,
Is that a she or a bloke?
A silhouette in the dunny, perverse!
Shackleton and Scott,
They suffered for what?
To explore what the body can endure?
Well they didn't survive and I feel barely alive,
Violet's beef stew's my saviour,
Please more!

I climb cold and I fold into our Bongo bed,
My lovely wife knows, holds me tight and whispers "somewhere else next time instead",
I feel boring, a spoilt child,
A thorn in her side,
"I know love" she says, "you only came for the ride",
We are all different, we are not all the same,
Some like freezing their tits off in the cold and the rain.

People go to Shell Island to find shells,
Surely that's why they go?
Well I went to HELL ISLAND,
I found HELL....!!!!
Thought I'd let you know!
Well, twas Halloween after all....!!!!