What have I done to deserve you?
Why are you in my phone?
Do I need to preserve you?
Or leave you well alone?
I'm feeling bluer than Stilton Cheese,
Didn't' you pay your mobile fees?
Do you even bloody remember me?
Get Back To Me Please!

I texted you last Tuesday,
A message quite polite,
I'm sure you must have seen it,
Just text me, f..k off PAL, on yer bike,
Perhaps you're far too busy?
Perhaps you think who is he?
Perhaps your as rude, as rude as can be?
Get Back To Me Please!

I sent you a What's App self penned poem,
It went with a positive tick of grey,
I believe it got through the interweb ether,
'Cause another grey tick arrived just the same,
Then one, then two blue ticks,
Are you simply ignoring this?
Or are these ticky ticks a trick?
Get Back To Me Please!

I've a heart, I'm not Iron man,
To be fair, a bit annoyed,
I'm now Ozzy biting bats heads off,
I'm getting pretty paranoid,
Twitter bloody Twitter,
Arse....look now I'm bitter,
I'll have to follow you on Shitter,
Get Back To Me Please!

I was only asking,
If you'd like to join me at a gig?
It's not as if I'm Clarkson,
It's me, I'm not the Stig!
Don't wanna punch you in the eyes,
I'm not in drag, not in disguise,
Should I send you a letter next time,
CRIPES!
Why don't you just bloody reply?
Would you perhaps,
Let's say,
If I actually was James May?
Well goodbye,
Au revoir,
Ta ta,
Auf wiedersehen.